I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
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Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
@funTweeters
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?