I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
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HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
