Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.

her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?

me: I’ll just call the pizza guy

her: ok

[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagna

me: love it

ME: wow your correct

FRIEND: *you’re

ME: -ions are presumptuous

I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.

SON: *first word* momma.

MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.

Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:

1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?

I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.

The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.

[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”

*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*

[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.

when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there

ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby

ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here

*puts nose where it doesn’t belong

*is caught with hand in cookie jar

*loses head

*makes elbow macaroni

*gets fired by funeral home

Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.

“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”

genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud

I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.

If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?

Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?

The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.

Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees

A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.

me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how

explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process

I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.

“A wine please”

“Sir, this is McDonalds…”

“Okay, a McWine please”

have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.

I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.

“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”

* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.