I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
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HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
When I snag the last meatball.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.
Siri, fight Alexa.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president