I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
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just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
A collection of me turning into random objects.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.