I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
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‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Pot warmers of the day.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.