I’d hang this in my house.
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There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Yup
If a ham is allowed to spiral then so am I
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
If twitter has taught me anything alot of us aren’t ready for a spelling bee
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Cake hits so much harder off a plastic fork.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
some Old Testament wisdom
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Please, I am begging you.
Stop looking at weird sh*t on your company-issued laptops.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
a test & 10-day waiting period before you can use an apostrophe
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*