Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.

I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out

my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.

I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…

Class: you want us to what

Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy

I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.

*brings a mattress to a trust fall*

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

Me: To the window; to the wall.

Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.

At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.

quarantine day 3

Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”

Me: *dies alone

“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.

Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.

Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??

Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..

My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband

ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college grads

REQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.

I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.

My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”

Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”

I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.

And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows

Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”

I must have the white iPhone.

HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?

Me: Roast Chicken.

HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?

Me: yes, a roast chicken.

My favorite type of men is ramen.

he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus

I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.

Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.

YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???

My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…

I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.

Wife: We’re going to have a baby!

Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?

Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human