I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
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pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Stop blaming others for your mistakes.
Study feng shui and blame the furniture
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?