Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’ve had too much coffee

~ amateurs

Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter

That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.

Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.

I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!

Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe

Me: What do you sell here

Waitress: Just desserts

You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby

My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days

Taking phone security to the next level.

got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not

Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.

All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough

As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.

As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’

There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.

My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving

Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?

my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.

Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant

Mom: *hysterical crying*

Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*

My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.

All I want for Christmas is you.

Buried in my backyard.

*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?

She might be a genius

*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*

*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*

Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail

I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor

My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.

How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.

So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?

I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.

Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.

I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.