I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
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Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
My biological clock is wheezing.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say
“Are you just going to sit there all day?”
“No! Now and then I’ll be walking to the fridge and back”
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Good morning
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.
Friend: Including you?
Me: Actually, scratch that idea.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.