Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*

YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???

My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…

All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?

Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.

“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”

“I can’t wait to nail you later”

*whispers to the new picture I just bought*

I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR

I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.

“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”

-nobody ever

Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work

Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way

All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons

“That’s what” – She

I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen

<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.

this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?

I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.

…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.

People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.

If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??

Police officer: When’s your birthday?

Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four

PO: What year?

Me: Ugh duh every year

A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend

My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”

Moments like these are when I ask for money.

The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!

An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey

[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway

“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed

This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written

My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu

I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.

“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”

I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.

It was.

My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.