I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
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My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.