Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.

I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.

My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.

I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time

Celine Dion: all by myself

CDC: good

CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself

CDC: sorry but them’s the rules

Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.

Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA

“Take one pill on an empty stomach”

Me: What’s an empty stomach?

If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.

Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues

The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.

It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.

Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.

As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..

I asked my mom what she was doing and she said oh just watching trail cam footage and I asked of what? And she said, of a man stealing a trail cam.

Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.

bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both

She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker

I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours

The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.

In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.

“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.

I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.

wife: are you cheating on me?

me: no

wife: where were you between 5-8 then?

me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related

When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”

This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.

Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”

[things I worry about on vacation]

1) Getting eaten by a shark

2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny

My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.

me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?

some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”