I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
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*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
oh you wanna fight?!
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
“Why you watching this shit?”
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
“FOUND ‘EM!”
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?