I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
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mary: i can’t believe i had to give birth in a barn this sucks. at least now i can rest
three old guys: heyyyyy
little boy playing the drums: whaddup
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
they should invent a hydrating liquor
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.