“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
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Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
I want what they have
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs