“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
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Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
son: she literally knows nothing
me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function
son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world
me: now you’re getting the hang of it
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.