I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
You can tell a lot about someone by the stuff you make up in your head about them.
I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Social Media and Real life
A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
If an alien egg starts hatching in front of u, I would recommend not leaning over it to look inside. I’d back tf up. Just my two cents
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in
A dad and his duck
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
