I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]
You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
The only problem I have with chocolate is that one minute it’s there and the next it’s not.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
i prefer mine room temperature.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
