I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
