I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
You Might Also Like
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
wife: what are you thinking about
guy who invented coffee: what if we pick the fruit off this plant, remove the seeds, roast them on a stove, let them cool off, grind them up into a near powder, pour boiling hot water over them, and then drink it
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Skip intro
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants