I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
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Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.
GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno