Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.

(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein

when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good

If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.

Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.

I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…

There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.

Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.

I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??

I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣

Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.

Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.

Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point

Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.

Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.

I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.

Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…

Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.

Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.

Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.

Sign at work today

I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.

“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*

Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?

If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.

Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.

Moving tip: don’t learn how to read

I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.

If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.

You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.