“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
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Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Relationship status update:
It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace
The most embarrassing thing happened to me yesterday and I just need to tell this story because it’s making me laugh every time I remember it. So I was taking the metro yesterday, and first I want to clarify that I was born and raised in DC and have been taking the metro my entire life. I am NOT new to the metro. So yesterday I swiped my SmarTrip and it said the trip started but the turnstile gates didn’t open. So I went to the booth guy and told him and he was like “oh, ok I’ll just let you in through the emergency gate” and I was a little confused because I didn’t see any gate, there were only turnstiles and a metal fence with no gate. I was like “where?” and he pointed to the fence so I went over and like, it was clearly just a fence? But he keep gesturing me to pull on it! So I did, and of course it didn’t budge because it was a METAL FENCE built into the floor. And I’m pulling and pulling on what any human see is a fence when a guy walks by and CLEARLY thinks I’m just the dumbest person on earth and have no idea how to enter the metro and very kindly is like “you need to swipe your card and go through the turnstile” and walked way like I was brand new to EARTH. And then the booth guy came out and was like, “oh sorry, you’re right that’s just a fence, I thought it was a gate” and scanned me through the turnstile.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful🤝
Me : Disgrace😭
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.