“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
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right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
When I said I liked it rough.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F