“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
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[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
“Wow, Awesome costume.”
“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
🤭😂
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.