“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
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pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
