“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
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I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem