Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
“I’d hit that!” — me gazing at rock bottom
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I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
My husband leaves town for a week: see ya!
I leave town for a week: here’s the kids pickup and dropoff times at school, all 3 practice schedules, doctors and dentist appointments, shopping list, dinner menu and PLEASE DONT FORGET TO FEED THE KIDS.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult