@WhiteMale

“I’d hit that!” — me gazing at rock bottom

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@StupiDucker

Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.

@DBStoner

I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.

@BoogTweets

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied

@Home_Halfway

Just got back from running 10 miles! Okay, 7 miles. FINE 3 miles. Or…1 mile. Okay okay I ran a block. Jogged. Walked. I fell off my couch.

@Jake_Vig

PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?

ME: Well, now you made it weird.

@donttouchjames

[intermittent fasting]

me: ok this isn’t that bad

[12 hours later]

me: hello dominos it’s me again can u have terry stop by the ice cream store on his way here

@GABBYdaAngSaya

Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why

@Dawn_M_

If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.