Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
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Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Knock Knock
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.