I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
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did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you