I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
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Call me old-fashioned, but I thought we’d pretty much sorted the design of the cup.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile
Then walk into a wall
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
awkward
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.