I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
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a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.
He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.