“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
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[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.