“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
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Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet