I’d … I’d rather not.
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“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.