Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.

Me: I don’t like scones.

British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.

Me: What do you mean?

British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-

Me: I dont think you like scones either.

ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”

Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”

I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”

Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.

sailors wish they could swear like me

How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam

As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.

He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.

I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.

OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.

– My clothes.

Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.

I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?

Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.

It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.

If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”

Doctor: I have good news!

Me: oh thank God

Doctor: Do you want to die?

Me: No!

Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁

ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows

Real bees work best

Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace

How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.

13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!

ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*

13YO: wut?

I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there

7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch

me: that’s wonderful

7: except the things I don’t like

me: there it is.

‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.

🖤✌🏽

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work

I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?