I’d … I’d rather not.
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Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself