I'd imagine the only thing worse then getting your period is not getting your period.

I’d imagine the only thing worse then getting your period is not getting your period.

SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR

[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.

Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*

How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?

This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.

Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it

Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.

A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.

For $100,000 I will come into your organization and evaluate whether the other consultants you’re working with are idiots.

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