@attsmcjay
@DavidSaidNada
Does anyone ever spiral into control?
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@DavidSaidNada
@Playing_Dad
Wife: OMG the baby just swallowed some Scrabble tiles!
Me: Which ones?
Wife: BLTOUR & E
Me: Well, that could spell trouble
@geowizzacist
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
@SvnSxty
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
@GlumGeorgeLucas
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
@QwertyJones3
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
@rmfnord
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
@d1dynasty_
Guy : How did your date go?
Me : it was fine
Guy : Give me detailsMe : I asked her out and she said “ew” but what she doesn’t know is ew backwards is we and we in French means yes, so we are dating now
Guy :
@lazerdoov
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
@ohthatbadger
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.