if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
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Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Gemma Correll
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.