Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@CrockettForReal

My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year

@Marlebean

I failed at chemistry in high school…

And finally started dating in college.

@KeetPotato

[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]

@DrakeGatsby

Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby

Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?

Gatsby: … Yup

@DaddyJew

I save most of my sweet talking for different forms of potatoes

@JJRossReaders

After 35, your body ages in dog years

@ThatMummyLife

[dinner party, setting out the main]

Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!

Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!

@nachosarah

IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER

@ajax06

My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.

@urmumsausername

When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…

One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020