@attsmcjay

I’d imagine the only thing worse then getting your period is not getting your period.

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@jonnysun

SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR

@jjhartinger

[First Date]

Him: And, how did you get here?

Me: My parents had sex.

@Swishergirl24

This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.

@PerfectPending

Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it

@TheTweetOfGod

Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.

@13spencer

A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.

@juliussharpe

For $100,000 I will come into your organization and evaluate whether the other consultants you’re working with are idiots.