@attsmcjay

I’d imagine the only thing worse then getting your period is not getting your period.

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@Playing_Dad

Wife: OMG the baby just swallowed some Scrabble tiles!
Me: Which ones?
Wife: BLTOUR & E
Me: Well, that could spell trouble

@geowizzacist

Waiter: And what would you like sir?

Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.

Entire restaurant: *gasps*

@SvnSxty

CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot

Me, a sex machine: *sweating*

@GlumGeorgeLucas

“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.

How is that even science fiction?

They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”

@QwertyJones3

“What are you doing tonight?”

Gonna smoke some Herb.

“Nice.”

-guys who work in a crematorium

@rmfnord

At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.

@d1dynasty_

Guy : How did your date go?
Me : it was fine
Guy : Give me details

Me : I asked her out and she said “ew” but what she doesn’t know is ew backwards is we and we in French means yes, so we are dating now

Guy :

@lazerdoov

*bursts into starbucks*

Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET

Barista: yeah over there

Me: oh thank god

*plugs in a mechanical bull*

@ohthatbadger

Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.