i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
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therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?
Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel
TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”