i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
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if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.