I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
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Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
🔥🔥
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]