I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
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Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
No, YOUR illiterate.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?