I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
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Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!