I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
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just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Why are these idiots only giving robots two arms?
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.