Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”

Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.

[arguing w girlfriend]

Her: I feel like we have communication problems.

Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.

shit just got real

To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.

SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust

me: I’d like to represent myself

judge: ok

me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty

me: *removing mustache* wait what

i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs

I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.

I love counterfeiting stuff

Kid: *falls down*

Me: You’re fine.

Kid: *runs into table*

Me: You’re fine.

Kid: *ball hits them in face*

Me: You’re fine.

Kid: *drops phone*

Me: OMG, did you break it?!

T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6

I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”

“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”

The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.

You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything

If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.

Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”

I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.

Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009

Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.

ME: I’ll have the steak

WAITER: with pleasure

ME: um no, with steak sauce

I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.

I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer

Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!

The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.

Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-

Wife: No

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.

From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom