Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights

By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry

What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?

As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?

Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable

I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.

i’d rather hurl myself into an active volcano

-me politely declining dates

Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.

I beg you to euthanise me

I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.

“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.

No, it’s not what you think.

I just watched Hook.

If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand

“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”

i’m so sick of this guy

If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.

STORY TIME

my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.

one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked

“are you tan from the sun!?”

and i said

“no i’m nate from earth”

Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.

No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?

How to make it rain:

-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”

Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.

Me: I don’t believe the world is round…

Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*

Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid

Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that

Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh

I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.

So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.

I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car

I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.

Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose

Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?

You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.

Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes

Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.