I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
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If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome