I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
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I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
3 PLACES I LOVE STAYING:
1. HOME
2. OUTTA PEOPLE BUSINESS
3. IN MY OWN LANE
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
I could NOT have put it better myself.
They must have gotten it to go.
