I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
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I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
airing out the snack pack
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.