I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
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Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
sry
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.
To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af