Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.

Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.

when robert pattinson was introduced to snapchat filters

Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.

My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?

“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”

GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!

WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates

GOD: um ok

*dinos die, man appears*

GOD: wtf

“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.

Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion

I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.

dream jobs:

• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village

(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*

i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?

Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year

if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:

GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean

SHARK: nice

GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land

HORSE: cool

GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean

BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?

GOD: um

BLUE WHALE: um what?

My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.

If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah

Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.

4-year-old: You have to clean, too.

Me: They’re your toys.

4: It’s your floor.

State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.

Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.

One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.

Until then, I’ll keep eating.

I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?

[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh

Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.

My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed

Person: *falls in love with me*

Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.

Person: ok cool, never mind.

Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..

One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.