“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
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Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
inside everyone there are 2 wolves, one trying to ruin a pig’s house and one pretending to be your grandma.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.
He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*