Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten

Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.

If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.

angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?

God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise

If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley

Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.

What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool

next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you

Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”

Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”

Therapist: How are you feeling?

Me: Rage

Therapist: What is bringing you rage?

Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.

[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Mascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese

*dies*

Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.

I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.

I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.

My dryer is celebrating lint.

Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.

{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.

About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.

I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!

*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)

Jack: hello, beans

Beans: hello, Jack

-Jack and the beans talk

Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah

I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.

I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks

Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.

200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass

*on a first date*

Me: I’m in financ-

Her: oh finance that’s cool

Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt

I think I’ll stand

Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old