Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever

last night in a voiceover session

me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong

Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news

Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u

Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit

Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.

Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo

I got a sweater for Christmas.

I’d asked for a screamer or a moaner.

“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.

He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.

going to get institutionalized does anyone want anything

New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?

Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.

Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.

What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?

Same middle name.

Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.

It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.

a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl

Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.

Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.

I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos

neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*

I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.

I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.

Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.

Him: Grew peas?

Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.

Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise

customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing

me: oh *declines it* thank you

“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”

“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”

[tinder date]

me: oh wow this is awkward

sunset: *just kinda sets there*

me: but i thought you were, you know

sunset: *still setting*

me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh

sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*

God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.

Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )

God: nice! your turn Dog!

Dog: oh.

Cat: I’m so excited!

Dog: alleycat.

Cat:

Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.

Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?

Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.