Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap

*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit

*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot

Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.

My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal

9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.

birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot

There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few

NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.

my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me

Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.

“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”

– Karen

Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad

What do you text your spouse?

[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth

A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?

LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names

ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won

Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin

Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car

i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol

Bluesky is fine but every single post on my feed is talking about twitter and how much better things are than twitter and it’s giving big “oh I’m TOTALLY over my ex” vibes

(hours before leaving on a road trip)

You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.

Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!

I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.

Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.

Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?

Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.

Me Got it.

Dad: Where’s mom?

Me: Visiting Super Dad.

MOVING IS AWESOME

I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE

OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL

Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?

my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*

I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.

Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow

*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*

Her: Did you want to buy that?

Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.

Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.