“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
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I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
got so much cardio in today
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.