I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.
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I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.