Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

But is it really??

Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes

[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.

“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.

Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.

Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.

It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.

I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me

Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night

Miss Scarlet: No murdering!

Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!

Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao

*long pause*

Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering

Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick

Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.

Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.

Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.

Elephant Son: What is?

It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway

-inventor of the Biscotti

Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No

And they lived apathetically ever after.

License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*

Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge

Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right

Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”

“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets

Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?

Husband:

Me:

Husband: How much?

culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”

There’s trash talk, then there’s this.

Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.

Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no

3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?

Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.

3yo: Why would someone want that?

I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.

Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.

I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.

“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White

You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.

My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.

if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real

Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!