I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.
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My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
I don’t actually have to be rich I just need access to the parallel universe where I already am rich and just borrow money from me. What am I gonna say no? I wouldn’t, but that’s just me and sometimes I surprise myself.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?