I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.
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I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.
Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
When someone trying to leave me
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”