Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.

Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer

“I literally can’t even!”

— White girl hanging a picture

Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids

the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.

turns out he just wanted apple sauce

All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.

Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.

[road trip]

Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-

Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE

There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?

Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.

I guess that means no one came.

He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO

After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.

me: *having prostate examination*

doc: omg, when was this last wiped?

me: WHAT

doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady

Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”

COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.

[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”

Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.

*decides towels smell like mildew

*buys special laundry agent to remove odors

*washes load of towels

*forgets load in washer until morning

*repeat

[1863]

LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—

MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers

My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery

When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.

Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.

nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”

With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.

<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.

Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.

Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.

This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood

if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk

I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.

Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds