“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
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Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
I occasionally drink every single night.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!