“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
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The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay