I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
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*visits random websites just for the cookies*
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
placebo pills? more like sike meds
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.
I was probably sleep-wokking again.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting
me: you mean ‘expelled’?
7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish