I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
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boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
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[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Wikigenius
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie