I’d like a simple burial. I only want to be mummified and have a tasteful pyramid placed on top of me.
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Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
I love the National Park Service.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”