I’d like a simple burial. I only want to be mummified and have a tasteful pyramid placed on top of me.
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[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
A man tells his doctor he applied the haemorrhoid cream and got a nasty reaction.
“Where did you apply it?” asked the doctor.He replied: “On the bus.”
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Encore…
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
me, testifying before congress: …& i think everyone here agrees that it’s about time lawmakers overturn the ‘he who smelt it, dealt it’ law because we know that it’s not always the case
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.