I’d like a simple burial. I only want to be mummified and have a tasteful pyramid placed on top of me.
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I gave up going to work for lent.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.