Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this

*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*

Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’

Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’

when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard

on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him

My parents just informed me that I can’t come in their house to pee unless I leave my 9lb Chihuahua outside. I’m officially peeing in their yard now, and will only attend the outdoor portion of their funerals 😂

Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”

Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking

Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.

Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up

Me: oh honey…you have no idea

there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.

Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice

the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille

January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.

So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”

My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids

TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’

Proofread twice, hang posters once

“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly

You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears

…yes please

When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.

Why procrastinate now when you can always procrastinate later?

Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.

[flirting at Taco Bell]

Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.

[seconds later]

Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.

I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat

Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s

What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?

Well I couldn’t give two hoots.

One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.

[creating eyelashes]

God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.

Angel: Alright.

God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.

Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?

Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!

If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.

*pee

[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?

[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH