I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.
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hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Meow?
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.