I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
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My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.