Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?

Cop: Yes, go back a step.

Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.

Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.

The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.

Her: what are you into

Me: pokémon

Her: no i mean what’s your type?

Me: oh, fire

Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.

Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.

🙂🐾

Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.

if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.

Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???

I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.

i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds

Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*

Um … Hot Wings please

cop: you’re so busted

me: thanks. I just had them done

I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.

gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere

I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.

*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle

There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.

Now there is piss all over the floor.

Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta

May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.

Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.

For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.

if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse

If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops

I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.

5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”

I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience

Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?