I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
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I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Ken is short for chicken
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.