Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

Yeah….so is a grenade

Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.

financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?

me:

Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined

Proof that kids sometimes listen…

5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?

Me: I’m dressed

5: Those look like pajamas

Me:

5: Did you brush your teeth?

Me: Yes

5: Let me smell

NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN

“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”

I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics

Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.

Two words: Egg Newtons™

Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.

I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.

If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.

Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.

[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that

This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her

*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.

The symmetry is uncanny.

[bank]

me: this is a stick up!

bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around

me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed

bank teller: lol first time?

me: is it that obvious?

bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie

These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.

to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house

If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE

My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004

Radiohead fans, this is for you.

Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.

When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother

*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM*

*Husband runs into bedroom*

H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?

Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.

How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.

If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.

My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.

I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one