“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
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No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Not helping
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.